Week 50

Week 50 – Tuesday 13^th December – Straight Lines, Cuba Cuba & Tiger Please – Clwb Ifor Bach, Cardiff – £5.00

“I would rather stab myself in the eye than see them again. . .”

Thankfully no eyes were actually pierced in the making of Week 50 of Gigaweek, though a few ear drums were. Sandro and I achieved our Gigaweek half centuries separately, as he had plans to raise his bat to the sky in London.

The bearded one was being treated by Salazar (his carer) with a trip to the big smoke to see an oxygen fuelled Friday and Saturday night combo of Soulwax/2manydjs at the O2Academy and Manic Street Preachers at the O2, while I was left to fend for myself.

I didn’t even have a bat.

With Cardiff bereft of gigs in December, I had little choice but to opt for a cheap Tuesday night gig at Clwb Ifor Bach. The bands on show were called Straight Lines, Cuba Cuba and Tiger Please, who we’d seen at Sŵn.

I politely asked Sandro if he’d care to add to his gig tally for the week by joining me, but he opted for a night in poking himself in the eye instead.

Fortunately, a family member who goes by the name of Cousin Bish had never heard of Tiger Please, and was therefore more than happy to help.

“What are they like?” he enquired.

“Oh, uh, you’d really like them,” I replied. “They’re a little like Right Said Fred.”

“Excellent!” Cousin Bish said, licking his lips.

He spared me the fate of being the weird loner at the back of the room. We were the pair of weirdos at the back of the room instead.

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An enjoyable night began with a pre-gig pint and rare visit to The Rummer Tavern, which gave us a great view of the Castle and of the hundreds of scantily clad girls and boys making their way to Revs in the pouring rain.

The Rummer was empty, save for a couple of middle-aged ladies who appeared to be giving us the eye, although admittedly one of them was cross-eyed. In any case, they were a little too old for me and a little too young for Cousin Bish so we swiftly moved on to Clwb.

The gig was upstairs and Straight Lines were already playing when we entered. It was packed, full of people who, I presume, know a lot more about Straight Lines than either of us, but nowhere near as much about wonky ones.

We picked up a bottle of Kopparberg each and burrowed into the crowd, which seemed to be singing along in a thick valleys accent. It was a voice that hadn’t quite broken, as most of its contributors seemed far too young to wear one of the over-18 wristbands that were pinching hairs off mine and Cousin Bish’s wrists.

“These bloody wristbands!” Cousin Bish complained, “I won’t have any hair left after tonight!”

I bit my tongue.

Straight Lines are one of a long line of bands of their ilk, that have dominated the South Wales landscape for the last decade or more. They played at breakneck pace with guitar riffs galore, and sang in accents closer to those found in the San Fernando valley than the Rhondda valley.

“This kind of music is rife in Wales,” Cousin Bish said, “and I don’t mean in a good way.”

“You don’t use the word rife if you mean good,” I said helpfully.

“Exactly. You say prevalent or predominant. This stuff is rampant, it’s endemic.”

“Like the clap?” I suggested.

“Exactly like the clap!” he nodded. “Wait, who have you been speaking to?”

Regardless of whether Cousin Bish thought the band were inferior to the average STI or not, the rest of the crowd lapped up their brand of Valleys Nu-Metal/Pop-Punk/Rhubarb Rock. There was even a massive conga during their set, so how could I possibly pour scorn on them?

I shuddered to think what Sandro would have said though, especially when it was mentioned that they would be returning early next year to support Canterbury, a band who featured back in the very first week of Gigaweek and had swiftly been rechristened.

In true festive spirit, Straight Lines finished their set with a cover of Wham!’s ‘Last Christmas’, which was much more to Cousin Bish’s tastes.

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There was a mass exodus once they’d vacated the stage, giving us plenty of room to manoeuvre. For the rest of the show we positioned ourselves with our backs to the sound engineer’s booth, avoiding any potential rampaging congas.

Next up on stage were another Welsh band called Cuba Cuba, who had themselves played at Sŵn, though Sandro and I had missed them. The band appeared dressed all in white, suggesting that we might hear a cover of ‘Flying Without Wings’ if we were lucky.

In the crowd, a lad who liked to shout “Yeah Boy!” with a few extra Ys, was identified by Cuba Cuba’s singer as one Leon Jones, who seems to have a reputation in the Valleys for shouting out the words “Yeah Boy!” with a few extra Ys, to the great amusement of everyone.

Cuba Cuba were certainly less shouty than Leon Jones and mixed the tempo up a lot more than Straight Lines. Their ginger singer even sang in what seemed to be his own accent. Cousin Bish argued that they were like countless bands across the country, with no real X factor to separate them from the crowd.

He suggested that a good way of separating the wheat from the chaff would be to have a reality TV show where all these acts came together in a mass competition, with the winner gaining warranted exposure, but I thought it sounded shit.

Without being outstanding, they were certainly different to what had come before, and had a few decent songs I thought. However, I overheard a couple of unhappy youngsters next to us referring to them as being, “like a more mellow Snow Patrol,” and then discussing Snow Patrol’s back catalogue at length, which was quite alarming.

“You mean a mellower Snow Patrol,” I almost said, but I didn’t want them to know I was dropping eaves.
 

Meanwhile Cuba Cuba invited Gary Barlow on stage, which was the cue for the singer from Tiger Please to join them for a duet. So, that’s who this Gary Barlow fella is, I thought to myself. He still had the same distinctive haircut, floppy on one side, shaved on the other. It served as a reminder of why Sandro was tempted to blind himself. As promised, Cuba Cuba left without a Christmas cover, and Gary was able to bring the rest of his band on stage.

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As at Sŵn, they once again wore black waistcoats and ties, save for the singer and the two on strings (who were girls rather than puppets). Their set began in epic fashion, with a song that seemed to run and run. It also took me completely by surprise as it was actually rather good.

Maybe it was my diminished expectations, but I did genuinely enjoy them. Honestly, I did. Admittedly, they tailed off enough towards the end of their set, and I wasn’t inclined to stay for their encore but overall they were more than adequate.

The floppy-haired shaven-headed singer dedicated a song towards the end of their set to a man name Paul. Paul was apparently a man who follows them around and has seen them on many occasions. It was clearly a heartfelt dedication, as the singer went on for about five minutes about him.

“I always speak to Paul. He’s come to so many of our gigs, all over the country,” he began. “He’s almost as cool as that fella at the back.” (I’m paraphrasing of course.) “We always discuss his two most beloved things: his country, Wales, and his Son.” By now tears were streaming down faces. I assumed Paul and/or his son had recently succumbed to a tragic illness of some kind.

“Tonight,” the singer continued, “is the first time Paul has had the chance to see us in Wales.” It was worse than I’d thought.

 “Paul told me that the first two songs his son learned were ‘Something, something’ by Straight Lines and ‘That other one you don’t know’ by Tiger Please.”

“Jesus Christ!” said Cousin Bish. “Has Paul never heard of The Rolling Stones?”

Presumably they then played the song of theirs that Paul JR had learned but I’d stopped listening. Cousin Bish and I had started discussing how The Rolling Stones were really just a more mellow version of Snow Patrol.

We left pleasantly surprised and congratulating ourselves on another good night.

“I’ve had a good night. . .” Cousin Bish said.

“Not tonight?” I guessed.

“No. You said they would be like Right Said Fred!” he raged.

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December

3-9 - The Drums - ✓
10-16 - Straight Lines, Cuba Cuba & Tiger Please - ✓(2manydjs + Manic Street Preachers)
17-23 - ?
24-30 - ?
31 - ?